I wish someone would develop an equation for Toddler Speed (TS). It’s a great and variable speed, but I’m certain there’s a relationship between it and the speed of sound and light.

We could have a competition to see which mathematician or scientist can first develop the TS equation. The winner could work with the good people at Apple and have them translate it into the new Numbers program for Mac OS X. The second-place winner could work with the Gates team and add it to the Excel software package for Windows 2020.

Parents could enter variables into a spreadsheet, press a button, and produce a pie chart or graph that plots out the percentage chance of their toddler getting into X, Y, or Z trouble, so they know whether to call their spouses or 911.

Example: toddler is 2 years 8 months old. Has a 100.2-degree temperature. It’s Tuesday. It’s winter. It’s raining outside. Toddler has been quiet for 1 minute 47 seconds. Toddler is in Sector 2 (a.k.a. the living room).

Press enter and a pie chart pops up and shows you that there‚Äôs a 40 percent chance he’s coloring on the wall; a 30 percent chance he’s climbing a bookshelf; a 20 percent chance he’s already given the dog and himself a haircut and is about to move on to the curtains; and a 10 percent chance that he’s removed all of his clothing and is covered in Elmer’s glue.

We live in an age of cutting-edge technology and science. Those of us who are living in the toddler-driven dark ages need all the help we can get. We need to harness the mighty power of technology to help us keep those mighty little trouble-prone monkeys from becoming WMhDs (Weapons of Mass household Destruction).