Author: Charlie Fern

Charlie Fern Ink, LLC, is a strategic communications consultancy that provides services including public relations and publicity, tour and media management, strategic message development and deployment, media relations and media training, executive coaching, speech writing and public speaking coaching, event planning, social media strategy; cross-platform branding, and professional writing and editing with areas of expertise that include international relations, business, and diplomacy; government, education, non-profit/advocacy, music and entertainment, healthcare, biotech, technology, social media, entrepreneurial/startup and general professional communications.

The writer’s brain unraveled: On writing and thinking

I’ve been reading a lot of writing by writers lately. Most recently, I enjoyed a post by a prolific blogger and Twitter-er, Chris Brogan, called “Cultivating a Writing Habit” and I chased that shot with an equally inspiring elixir — a post by my friend Beth about Creative Writing Under Pressure
Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s all writers in general, but there’s something about the process of writing that I find fascinating. Thinking about writing leads to thinking about thinking. And when others talk about writing — about their own personal writing habits and rituals — I learn a little something about how they work and how their brains work.
Chris Brogan’s brain does not work like mine. He can apparently sit down at any moment, rip open an ink-filled vein, and let words spill all over the pages without feeling a lot of pain.
Beth’s brain works a lot like mine. It’s kind of like a cat. If I want to have a good experience writing, I have to convince my brain that it is writing because it wants to write. You can’t force a brain like mine into doing any writing that it doesn’t want to do and expect anything less than a painful outcome. And who wants to write when the fur is flying and the claws are out?
Beth’s blog explores some of the ways that she prods, cajoles, tricks, and negotiates with her cat-writer brain. She does other things and waits for the ideas to come to her. Make no mistake, that girl can write on a deadline, all right — I saw her do it plenty of times in college. But that kind of writing just isn’t the same as the kind of writing that comes from a brain that tells you it wants to write.
I am the same way. I wait for the ideas to fall from the heavens and spend afternoons chasing after them with a butterfly net. I usually catch enough to start most any assignment. But when I’m forced to write and I have little inspiration, I turn to reading to jump-start my brain.
Chris Brogan and I are alike in that way. He loves to read. And he is absolutely right that great writers are even better readers. I especially love to read writing by writers for writers.
Good writing is a relief to read. Great writing is fun to read. But brilliant writing — poetry and prose for true logophiles – that sings to a different part of my soul. I’m talking about writing like you’ll find in Catch-22, a book so loaded with irony that it spills right over into the sentence structure.
One of my favorite writers is William H. Gass. His essays are not for the faint of heart. They are intellectual beefsteaks – chewy, delicious, time consuming and worth the effort.  I stumbled across his writing in Harper’s, where I read his essay “In Defense of the Book: On the Enduring Pleasures of Paper, Type, Page, and Ink” and nearly wept with joy at the exercise (indeed, folks like Stephen Schenkenberg have rightfully credited Gass with turning reading into an aerobic activity).
After reading that essay, I marched right out and bought his book “Tests of Time,” a collection of essays that, for me, are roller coaster-ride thrilling to read — better, actually, because the ride lasts a lot longer, and there’s no line to wait in if you want to read the ride again. When I’m in the middle of one of his essays, I can’t help but marvel at his skill. I also can’t help but think, “My God, how does this man’s brain work?”
I’ve often wondered about his career as a writer. Did William H. Gass perform well under pressure? Did he relish the fast pace of a deadline-driven world, or did he prefer the more organic approach like my friend Beth and I do? Or, did it matter either way?
In my other life as a professionally trained, practicing journalist (in the early 90s) I performed well under pressure. I could negotiate deadlines with ease (I was late in every other area of my life, but I got my copy in on time, most of the time). I eventually discovered my limitations. I discovered the point at which the pressure and stress of a job could be too great – and it would affect the end-product of my writing.
I was a speechwriter for Laura Bush and I worked for the White House on 9-11. An already stressful job became enormously difficult in the aftermath. I was shell-shocked and probably suffered from PTSD for some time after that (remember D.C. had the anthrax scare and the snipers around that same time).
In the midst of all that chaos and terror, I had a difficult time crunching data, processing complex ideas, remembering details, and producing thoughtful, clear, original speeches. Working under such pressure had a profound impact on my writing ability and productivity. Writing a speech was like giving birth – agonizing, painful and ultimately exhausting.
I remember one particularly bad day I was researching a speech, and I was looking at a page of printed type when I realized that I had lost the ability to read. I knew that there were words on the page, but I couldn’t tell you what they meant. I was literally dumbfounded. I got up and left my office. 
I rarely left my desk when I was working on a speech, but that wasn’t by choice. There were too many demands that kept me in my chair, on the phone, or at the computer, and I could rarely get away and find a peaceful place to think and write. Usually a short break would give me just enough energy to finish a job. But that day I just shut down. I had to go home and rest for a few hours before I could read and write again.
It took several years to mentally unwind after I left the White House. Whenever I was presented with an important or complex writing job, I had to slog through it — coaxing, cajoling, tricking, and finally flat-out forcing my brain to think, think, think. I wasn’t pleased with any of my work. It was adequate but not inspired.
Writing – the one thing that I loved most in life; the thing that had been therapeutic and inspiring since childhood – drained me. My brain was empty and silent. I wasn’t sure if I would recover that joy again, but I did, thank God. The internal dialogue came back, one word at a time. I found inspiration in reading. In writing poetry. In writing for myself instead of someone else. In not forcing it, but allowing it to rain down on me. The old cliche is true. Time does heal most wounds.
The brain is a fascinating thing that we are only now beginning to peel apart and understand. From what I’ve gathered over years of reading about early childhood cognitive development, psychology, and current research about the brain, in some patients with PTSD or depression, the amygdala (the “fight or flight” center of the brain) often usurps the

hippocampus — the amygdala’s next-door neighbor that controls learning and recall (memory). It essentially dampens the sort of creativity we need to develop unique ideas and write beautiful sentences.

Yet the amygdala is also responsible for what’s called “fear” learning
(coping skills, reactions and/or responses to danger). So, on the one hand, stress and fear inhibit cognition but might promote a specific kind of creativity: e.g. problem-solving skills necessary to save a life or preserve a species. Does that mean writing on a deadline triggers fear-based cognition, and pleasure writing is an entirely different cognitive process?
For that answer I turned to someone I recently discovered on Twitter, Dr. Ellen F. Weber. Dr. Weber is CEO and President of MITA International Brain Based Center for Renewal in Secondary and Higher Education, and an author, lecturer and columnist. She said, essentially, that “Stress shuts down learning, lowers (immunity), blocks growth, limits creativity and adds the toxic chemical cortisol (to the brain equation). Relaxed writing generates serotonin, fosters curiosity, draws from multiple intelligences, and grows brain cells for solutions.”
I’m fascinated about studies that explore how the stress, fear and rage responses impact creativity, learning and memory in people with depression, anxiety disorder, or PTSD (patients who are assumed to have hyper-sensitive fear or rage responses as a result of some past or recent trauma).
For example, a recent study in Michigan is exploring the effects of cannabinoids on the brain (as in cannabis – marijuana – THC). I learned that the part of the brain with the greatest number of cannabinoid receptors is the amygdala (fight or flight center).  I also learned that our bodies actually make a version of this substance – called, appropriately, endocannabinoids. Who knew that the human body was capable of producing its own brand of THC.
Funny, yes, but think of the implications and contradictions. On the one hand, people with depression or PTSD have trouble remembering things and/or processing complex data. In those patients, brain scans reveal overactive amygdalas that are often deteriorating — possibly due to the toxins produced from stress (like cortisol). On the other hand, potheads have trouble remembering things or processing complex data too. But what happens if you give stressed, anxious or depressed patients cannabinoids? Early research seems to suggest that they might just relax and think things through.
Wait a second.
Most research seems to show that THC has a detrimental impact on memory function. But if those same substances have been shown to dampen the emotional responses that interfere with learning and memory, then is it hypothesized that cannibinoids have potential benefits in patients with PTSD/anxiety disorder — and might somehow actually help promote learning and memory? Is this the scientific equivalent of writing on Beth’s deadlines versus Charlie’s vacuum-the-house-generated prose?
I’d like to see brain scans of writers writing under the following conditions: on deadline, with someone screaming at them, after cleaning house or driving a car or other idea-generating activities, after jogging and after being given THC.
Could we see the actual changes in cognition? What parts of the brain would light up or turn off? What could we learn from this sort of study? And how would that impact the blogosphere and newsrooms across America?  
Wouldn’t you just love to peer inside the brains of your favorite writers and see not only what makes them tick, but also how they tick?
Any volunteers?

Lucky 7, Lucky You: My Random Things

Well, I’ve been tagged in a “meme”– which, according to my tagger, is something like a blog version of those “getting to know you” e-mails that find their way to my in-box on occasion.

Unlike that damn redhead, Stacy Lukas who tagged me, I had no idea what a “meme” was, nor what volunteering that information would mean for my free time over the next day or two. But, as she promised in her own blog, it’s relatively simple: I’m supposed to list seven random things about myself for your enjoyment and/or education. Without further ado:

1) I am a hopeless Anglophile, from the top of my red head to the bottom of my pale and freckled feet. My love for Great Britain is an incurable disease that takes stronger hold with my every exposure. I suspect that it has something to do with lineage: They are my people. I am of English, Irish, and Scottish descent (from England’s Portsmouth, Ireland’s Loch Conn, and unknown parts of Scotland) It’s also been rumored that we are descendants of Lord William Canning, and we have a family crest that my cousins swear is older than QVC. I adore the British people. I love the food of England (including and especially the cheeses, clotted cream and “Extermely Chocolatey Mini Bites”). And oh, how I love Guinness. I also find something sacred and powerfully comforting about the British tradition of tea. It is my religion. I love that I blend in with everyone on the beaches of Cornwall: nearly all of us day-glo white and freckled with red blotches where we missed with the sunscreen. And I love the wildlife. Ravens, magpies, seagulls; even rabbits. Once, when I was walking along the Hayle Towans (grass-covered dunes) with my friend Sarah, we happened upon a coven or two of rabbits. I squealed with delight at the spectacle of dozens of long ears disappearing down rabbit holes. As I stood there taking it all in, Sarah shook her head in dismay. “We eat them, you know,” she said, smiling wryly. I know better — I’ve seen them immortalized in art. The only thing I don’t like about England is leaving it. Look out, Bill Bryson. I could take you for the Anglophile title.

2) I am nicknamed after my great-uncle, Charlie Fern. He was a fascinating caricature of a man; a pioneering aviator (barnstormer) and journalist (a self-proclaimed “UPI man”) in Hawaii, who worked his way up to owner and publisher of the Garden Isle. A problem with the fuel gauge on his twin-engine “Jenny” led to his becoming the first man to fly a plane round-trip in the Hawaiian islands. I’ve found few writings about him that didn’t include adjectives like “talented”, “daring”, and “legendary”. Uncle Charlie was responsible for developing my love of letters and of writing. My nom de plume and company name isn’t just a tribute to this personal hero; it is a legacy that I continually strive to honor in my own life and profession. It is also a daily reminder that you cannot live a large and honorable life without taking risks and maintaining integrity. A bittersweet asterisk: The man who knows the most about Uncle Charlie’s life is his son Charles Jr. (who goes by Mike), whom I have never met because my family lost track of him. They claim he is a recluse (and a genius). I know very little about Mike, except that he’s about 85 and he lives somewhere in Orange County. And he is the guardian of the remainder of details about the life of one of the greatest men I’ve ever known.

3) I have an irrational fear of bridges, especially tall ones. I will bring a car to a screeching halt on the shoulder of a road that presents a sudden and unexpected bridge ahead. I am terrified of the Delaware Memorial Bridge (or DEL MEM BR, as the sign says), and I am physically unable to drive over the Golden Gate Bridge and the bridge that leads into Newport, Rhode Island. So, if you’re ever caught on a road trip and I’m behind the wheel, I suggest you check the map and make sure you know what’s ahead.

4) I love olives — especially fancy name-brand pitted black olives. I have loved olives since I was a child, and I have been known to eat an entire can in one sitting. In my family, it was a Thanksgiving tradition to set a bowl of black olives out on the dinner table. And traditionally, they never lasted till dinner if there were any kids around. It was one of life’s early pleasures, popping an olive over the tip of each finger, wiggling them, and eating them. And many a Christmas stocking was stuffed with a can of olives for me. Mine, all mine.

5) I sang a duet with Fred Rogers (as in Mr. Rogers Neighborhood) on April 3, 2002. I was staffing an event in the East Wing — The White House Conference on Early Childhood Education. Mr. Rogers was one of the guest speakers. I should insert here that I have met, and worked for, a lot of very famous people. By that point in my tenure at the White House, I was fairly numb to the celebrity effect. So it is somewhat embarrassing to say that of all the big-name people I’ve encountered in my life, it was Fred Rogers who reduced me to a giddy kid who could hardly find her voice upon meeting him. He’s just exactly as the world saw him on television: Warm, kind, attentive, sincere.

I shook his hand after the event and told him (babbled, actually) that when I was a kid, I didn’t much care for his show, but I had grown to appreciate him (and his music) as an adult. I often called my grown-up friends and sang “It’s Such a Good Feeling” to them — in fact, a friend and I had worked out a little stage routine to the song. His face lit up and he said, “Why don’t we sing it together?” I was utterly stunned. This was an opportunity I simply could not refuse, but I risked being fired for upsetting the program to accommodate him. Yet he insisted, and hnd his “handler” (manager) agreed.

Once all the guests from the conference were seated in the dining room for lunch, Fred Rogers excused himself from the room. He walked out to the main corridor on the first floor of the White House, where the Marine Corps band was playing. Mr. Rogers and I were alone there except for the musicians and one or two staffers. He walked up to the White House Steinway piano – the one with golden eagles for legs – and asked the Marine who had just finished playing a song on it if he (Fred Rogers) might sit down and play a song. The Marine promptly and cheerfully obliged. Mr. Rogers signaled me over. He started to play “It’s Such a Good Feeling,” and I couldn’t believe what a magnificent pianist he was. He rolled across the keyboard with exquisite grace and started to sing. He looked at me expectantly. When I could find my voice, I squeaked along with him. By the end of the song, I had tears running down my face. Yep. It was such a good feeling. A month or two later, I received a package in the mail. It contained an autographed picture (he’d also written a bar of notes from the song on it) and his entire collection of CDs (which I play for my 3-year-old son on a regular basis). Funny how one of the pinnacles of my career had nothing to do with speechwriting.

6) I nearly lit a man on fire on April 23, 2001. It happened when I was a White House speechwriter. One morning my boss, the head speechwriter for the President, brought around a man in a nice suit. I was deeply focused on an article I was reading. They appeared at my office door and I wheeled around in time to hear my boss introduce him. I know—at least I think I know – I heard “Josh Bolten,” but as I stood up and stuck out my hand, I said “Hi John.”

I was swiftly corrected. My boss explained to Josh that I was the First Lady’s speechwriter. Josh’s expression conveyed a mental filing of information that made me uneasy. As I held his steel grip in my handshake, I realized that his sleeve was dangling perilously above the open flame of a candle I had lit on my desk. Bolton, who must’ve felt the heat, looked down and asked me what the “altar” was for. My boss, who had been standing silently in the doorway, shifted uncomfortably.

I stammered that the painters had just finished our offices and the candle was ridding the room of the paint smell. They were halfway down the hall as my voice trailed off…I picked up our office staff directory. I thumbed over to the section marked “Chief of Staff”. There it was: Third person from the top. Josh Bolten. Assistant to the President and Deputy Chief of Staff of Policy. I’d just met the fourth most powerful man in the White House, got his name wrong, and nearly lit his suit on fire.

7) I know The Number One place to watch Marine One take off from the White House Grounds without getting shot by the secret service. It’s from the Old Executive Office Building; specifically, on a narrow ledge just outside a window in a top-floor hallway near the library. I and two colleagues found this spot when we worked in that building. I’m fairly certain you won’t be shot, because when we were watching a departure one morning from that very spot, I noticed two pairs of binoculars pointed at me — by two secret service guys on the roof of the White House. We waved. They waved back. I lived to tell the story.

There you have it, folks. Seven things that shaped the quirky person I am. And now…my seven victims are all from Twitter:

1. Beth Zesinis (@avenuez)
2. Cathy Scott (@cathyscott)
3. Dr. Ellen Weber (@ellenfweber)
4. Joel Bass (@joelbass)
5. Diane L. Harris (@DianeLHarris)
6. Nichole Brown (@Napril1023)
7. John C. Kim (@JKimLosangeles)

I don’t know some of these poor unsuspecting characters, but they seem like fascinating people based on our Twitter conversations. Anyway, that’s the point, isn’t it — to get to know them better by their blogs?

Here are the rules:

* Link your original tagger(s), and list these rules on your blog.
* Share seven facts about yourself in the post – some random, some weird.
* Tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names and the links to their blogs.
* Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs and/or Twitter.

One Tweet leads to another: an experiment with Twitter

A couple months ago I attended a TPRA seminar on social networking and was astonished to learn that I had been asleep for the past 25 years and missed a technological revolution. Apparently that revolution has produced a new social order in which people can communicate with anyone, anywhere across the world instantly — the opportunities are limitless! — except for one oddly arbitrary rule. Each communication must be limited to 140 characters or less if you plan to do it by way of a funky new service called Twitter.

I know when I’m beat. I am an old-school communicator who, this spring, will be teaching college students with attention spans likely limited to what happened four score and seven tweets ago. I had no choice but to join the social experiment.

Armed with my pages of notes from the PR seminar (thanks to presenters such as Connie Reece, Brooks Bennett, Will Hampton, Robert Quigley and others for the insights), I set out to join the 21st Century and enjoy some of the rights and privileges that the technological revolution might afford me.

Arbitrary rules aside, it’s a fascinating thing, this Twitter. Connie Reece describe it well. It’s essentially the top line from Facebook – “What are you doing now?” – shared in an open forum.

At first, I was perplexed about the 140-character limit (characters, not words).

But Twitter proves that, with a bit of practice, you can communicate a lot in 140 characters or less. Present a golden opportunity with the catch of a creative challenge, and people will rise to the occasion…with abbreviations, short words, acronyms and a Tiny URL converter.

After my initial investment of time and research, I realized that there’s something to Twitter beyond idle chatter — if you understand its capabilities and use it as much as a tool as you would as a pastime. I’ve connected with people in Germany, Australia, Canada, Great Britain; coast-to-coast in the U.S. and elsewhere around the world. In a matter of weeks.

I’ve learned things. I posed random questions to complete strangers and received prompt responses from experts in their fields — in some cases leading professionals and/or company CEOs, entrepreneurs, and peers in my profession.

If you do some research or use Titter’s innovative MrTweet, you can find them all here: CEOs. Marketing VPs. Ad executives and professionals like @napril1023. Comedians. Writers who think, like Valeria Malton and (love this one) Canada’s “MenwithPens”. High-tech entrepreneurs. Neuroscientists! Poets. Free-lance writers, like funny Avenue Z. Government employees. Retired military officers. Musicians. Thought/community leaders like Entregreeneur Bradley Hughes. Journalists. Pundits. Gossip-scientists (?!) like “Cheeky Geeky”. Techno-wizards. Moms and dads. Published authors like Cathy Scott. Friends and former colleagues. And they’re generally well-behaved people.

I started exploring networks – hopping from one person to the next, following leads down blind alleys to unknown destinations around the world. One person has the potential of leading to a thousand (or more) others. And every person worth following, I’ve found, has readily available information to scan and determine what’s personally relevant. Click on names and see their bios, read their micro-blogs on Twitter, or follow links to their websites and full-on blogs. If you like what you see, you can choose to “follow” them — which means you receive their micro-blog updates and you can engage them in conversations.

Cool.

You can follow organizations, as well, for other relevant updates. I follow Starbucks (coffee achiever that I am), and the Times Online (for fantastic headlines and links to stories from the London paper), The Austin American-Statesman, and the Prime Minister of England’s office, just for giggles. You can even follow London’s Tower Bridge, which Tweets when it opens and closes for boats on the Thames (rather dull, for the most part, but probably handy for captains).

I’ve read more articles related to my profession in a month than I would have otherwise in six. I’ve downloaded comics, and pictures, and intriguing quotes, like this one by one Kimberly Bock: “Poetry. Fantasy that drips from the breast of naked thought.”

Of course there isn’t just one technological answer to life’s many questions and pursuits. But, consider this — although one person cannot be all things to all people, one person can harness the power of Twitter to get a whole lot of value from a whole lot of people in a relatively short amount of time. For free. And with limited advertising. Hallelujah!

Twitter is an experiment with no boundaries, with each participant serving as a catalyst that produces energy and fuels other reactions with an unknown end-product (and lots of interesting by-products). I suspect that many of the people who use Twitter have a shared sense that something beyond the confines of everyday living — beyond expectations, even — is unfolding before our eyes.

Through Twitter, people are forming new global societies that rise above our own communities, cultures, values and ideals — complete with self-generated, make-as-you-go rules of etiquette and human interaction (taught patiently to amateurs by more experienced users). It is, I imagine, what the original founder of the World Wide Web imagined the World Wide Web ought to be. For now, anyway.

Cottage industries are flourishing around it, too. You can find Twitter wikis, widgets, gadgets, decks, bloggers, backgrounds, search engines, instructors, mentors, ranking systems and – oh, so much more on the horizon. It’s mind-boggling to think how fast this budding form of communication has moved people and enterprises (and, sadly, the more seedy parasites and troglodytes that we’d like to sluff off the world’s underbelly).

In the end — a brilliant twist, if you ask me — it seems that Twitter is what you make it. You get out what you put into this nifty tool. That means you have to invest some time and energy if you want the effort to pay off. And, if you want to realize some value, you have to add some value.

As “JKimLosAngeles” Tweeted (said) recently, “I now look forward to checking Twitter more than Facebook everyday. Feel like I am evolving.”

He’s not the only one. I will say that as useful as Twitter is, it is also rather addictive. Someone may have to write a 12-step program for folks like JKim and me. The other day someone asked how you know you’re addicted to Twitter, and I got my answer from a friend (sorry for bringing this up again, dude).

I was on iChat with him, kidding around about getting more information from Twitter that I did from my own friends. He shot back, “We try to tell you stuff, but you say ‘Shhh! I’m Twittering with John Cleese now!'” I howled. Seconds later, I was retyping that line in a Tweet. (For the record, I don’t Twitter with John Cleese, much as I’d like to.)

Hats off to the guys who dreamed this one up while I was sleeping away the technological revolution. Twitter is not only fun, it’s also got a heck of a lot of potential to become something truly meaningful.

Charlie’s Mayo Clinic

How do I love, thee, mayo?

Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth of the jar and the bread and the height
my laden knife can go 
I love thee like a summer’s day –with picnics and turkey sandwiches
paired with avocado 
and sourdough 
bread.
Mayonnaise may just be the most under-rated item in the world of emulsified edibles.  Think about all the things that taste better with mayo.  From burger buns to casseroles, mayo adds that mysterious rich-and-creaminess to many things (often as a “secret” ingredient).  

I should clarify that I’m talking about about Real mayonnaise, because I am a mayonnaise snob. I will not employ anything but 100 percent pure, unadulterated, full-fat, real mayonnaise in my kitchen.  In fact, a sandwich delivered with Miracle Whip might just get a knuckle sandwich in return. 
Wikipedia claims the Oxford English Dictionary credits mayonnaise’s American debut to an 1841 cookbook; I will check that fact in an 1800s-era White House cookbook that’s in the mail to me as I write.
Most agree that mayonnaise, not in the least by the very nature of its spelling, is French, although how and where it was first whipped into being remains in question.  What isn’t questioned is the scarcity of clever quotes on the subject. The best one I’ve found offhand (and it will do quite nicely) comes from Ambrose Bierce:  “Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serves the French in place of a state religion.”  Which might explain a lot.
According to howstuffworks.com, “Mayonnaise is made by combining lemon juice or vinegar with egg yolks. Eggs (containing the emulsifier lecithin) bind the ingredients together and prevent separation. Then, oil is added drop by drop as the mixture is rapidly whisked. Adding oil too quickly (or insufficient, rapid whisking) will keep the two liquids from combining (emulsifying). But, as the sauce begins to thicken, oil can be added more rapidly. Seasonings are whisked in after all of the oil has been added. Blenders, mixers and food processors make it easy to make homemade mayonnaise, which many gourmets feel is far superior in taste and consistency to commercial mayonnaise.”

Which leads to the next question:  If two of my favorite recipes are made better by mayo, it is possible they could be made splendid by fresh, homemade mayo? Further, would these recipes be splendid enough to make all that extra effort worthwhile?
I may have to conduct an experiment to find out.  

First, I’ll need a good recipe for mayonnaise. For that, I turn to my favorite Food Network chef and alchemist, Alton Brown.  Following is a recipe of Alton’s from the Food Network.  A word of caution before you embark on this endeavor — use the freshest, most disease-free eggs you can find when you make your own mayonnaise. Uncooked substances like egg yolks in mayo can have lots of nasty gastrointestinal side-effects.

Ingredients

* 1 egg yolk*
* 1/2 teaspoon fine salt
* 1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
* 2 pinches sugar
* 2 teaspoons fresh squeezed lemon juice
* 1 tablespoon white wine vinegar
* 1 cup oil, safflower or corn

Directions

In a glass bowl, whisk together egg yolk and dry ingredients. Combine lemon juice and vinegar in a separate bowl then thoroughly whisk half into the yolk mixture. Start whisking briskly, then start adding the oil a few drops at a time until the liquid seems to thicken and lighten a bit, (which means you’ve got an emulsion on your hands). Once you reach that point you can relax your arm a little (but just a little) and increase the oil flow to a constant (albeit thin) stream. Once half of the oil is in add the rest of the lemon juice mixture.

Continue whisking until all of the oil is incorporated. Leave at room temperature for 1 to 2 hours then refrigerate for up to 1 week.

Mayonnaise is the base of a lot of great sauces, I hear.  Once you’ve mastered this recipe, try adding herbs to the finished product – such as tarragon or fresh basil.  Or mix it with chipotle sauce or zesty mustard.  You might come up with a new twist on an old favorite that forever (or at least for lunch) changes the way you look at baloney sandwiches.  

More On Old-School Journalism and Dying Competition


My longtime friend Cathy Scott, who is a journalist, college professor, and acclaimed author (check out her latest book, Pawprints of Katrina, on Amazon.com) wrote a good blog today — a not-so-distant look back at competitive news coverage.

Cathy and I worked together at the Vista Press, a newspaper in North San Diego County (California) during the good old days when I was fresh out of college and full of piss and vinegar about print news reporting.  
In her blog, she wrote about a conversation we had on Twitter about the competitive spirit of our newsroom.  “The 50-year-old Vista Press (a now-closed daily paper owned by Andrews McMeel Universal) was in direct competition with the San Diego Union‘s North County edition.  The Union was huge by comparison. Still….we scooped the SD Union on a regular basis,” Cathy wrote.
Indeed, we proved that a small paper could run circles around a major metro because we had a great, competitive staff and a lot of competition in the market…and that drives excellence.
We had a small staff at the Vista Press, and as managing editor I had an enormous amount of responsibility (at the tender age of 22).  I made some mistakes, sure, but damn if I didn’t have fun making them.  
I was less concerned about the business bottom line and more concerned about the news, and I often upset the sacred balance between circulation, the ad department and the newsroom.  I was 100-percent news — that’s what they hired me to do.  I fought for my reporters, for their stories, and for the benefit of our readers.  I wasn’t afraid to hold the presses for a good scoop or a great crime beat story that broke at deadline, and the circulation department and my publisher didn’t like me for doing it. We may have lost some money, but we gained a heck of a lot of experience, and we all went on to bigger and better things, as Cathy said in her blog.
Cathy was a terrific colleague.  I worked late into the night most nights, writing, editing, supervising the paste-up room and putting the paper to bed.  Many of those nights Cathy was there with me, pounding away at the keyboard and listening to the police scanner.  It would come as no surprise to me if I had learned that she had a scanner on her bedside table instead of a clock radio.  She truly cared about her work, often insisting that she could chase a good scanner call down at 10 p.m. and turn it into a last-minute addition to the next day’s paper.  She had a sense of urgency about the news, about covering the crime beat better than our competitors, about learning more and doing more.  Bottom line — she hustled.  Reporters like Cathy were hard to find then, and harder to find today.  I was lucky.  I had more than one of them on staff.  
Aside from Cathy, we had bright young stars like Leslie Hueholt — an impeccable writer who started as an intern at the paper and went on to become a full-time reporter.  I was always grateful for her copy, because it was so fun to read and so easy to edit.  
Russell Klika was a rockstar photographer and we couldn’t wait to see what he brought out of the darkroom every day.  We also had a salty-dog sports editor who peppered his office with profanities on deadline and gave us hours of free entertainment with his hilarious running commentary when he was fresh back from a high school football game or some other dubious adventure in the bowling alley next door, perhaps.
Those were the days, fer shure.  
As Cathy said, “North San Diego County was a fertile training ground for us.  We worked our tails off, learned to crunch on deadline and also felt the sense of accomplishment with the occasional scoop over our seemingly giant neighbor, the SD Union.  It was David and Goliath, and occasionally David won.”
It makes me sad to think that in the end David died, because so did the spirit of competition, for the most part — there, and in a host of other similar markets that lost competing papers. Because when Goliath runs the town, too few print reporters are inspired to get off their butts and beat the pants off of another reporter.
If you want to read more about my conversation with Cathy, check out her blog and the comments at the bottom.  

What was the question, again?

To popcorn, or not to popcorn, that is the question; 

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous butter.  
Or to take arms against a sea of salt.  
And by opposing, eat it.  To eat, to sleep; 
No more, and by a sleep to say we eat 
The butter and the thousand natural flavors 
That popcorn is heir to — ’tis a consumption 
Devoutly to be wish’d. 
To eat, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream about eating.  Ay, where’s the butter tub?
For in that sleep-eating what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this aluminum foil,
Must give us pause.  There’s also the respect
That makes calamity of so long an Orville shelf-life,
for who would bear the whipped butter and corns of time,
Th’Redenbacher’s wrong, the proud man’s Jiffy Pop,
The pangs of popcorn’s love, the pop’s delay,
The insolence of burnt office popcorn, and the spurns
That patient merit of the’unworthy kernel,
When the popping itself might its quietus make
In a beeping microwave? Who would kernels bear,
To crack and break under a weary crown
But that the dread of something like the dentist
The undiscovered malpractitioner from whose chair
No patient returns, puzzles the bill,
And makes us rather bear those teeth we have
Than implant others that we know not of?
Thus dentists do make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of New Year’s resolutionaries
are sickled o’er with the pale cast of popcorn
And enterprises of jiffy pops and margarine
With this regard their napkins turn dirty,
And lose the name of hungry.

Miss Charlie’s Clever Picks for Cyber Monday Shopping

If you find the humor in these mouthy little aliens carrying off a garden gnome, then you’ll probably like some of the other clever items in the Wireless Catalog and its sister, Signals, both of which are loaded with self-proclaimed “Gifts that Inspire, Enlighten, and Entertain.” 

If your wallet is too thin for the $50 price tag on artist Fred Conlon’s clever garden art, then you might find a better fit with other items inside, like a $22 T-shirt that comes with its own nametag: a standard-print, “HI, MY NAME IS” and hand-written underneath, “Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” (from movie The Princess Bride, for about $22.)

If you want to add some meritorious miles to your purchases and give back to a good cause, check out the Epic Change Gift Shop, which sells inspirational items including the peace, joy, love cards below.  Epic Change says the cards’ tiny little handprints belong to either Teivin, Naomi, or Pius, who are students at a school in Tanzania.  Your purchase will help raise funds for the school so it can continue to make important improvements (like building a classroom and adding books to the library).  

I found Epic Change through the social networking site Twitter.  Through the power of social networking, the organization raised $10,000 in 48 hours to build that classroom for the school. Their website states, “Epic Change makes loans to changemakers like the school’s founder, Mama Lucy Kamptoni, then collaborates with them to make their hopeful stories into income they need to pay back loans and create sustainable income streams to support their efforts. By buying these gifts instead of a fruitcake and toasters this year, you are directly supporting the efforts of a woman in Tanzania who used to sell chickens, and used her income to build a school that now serves 242 amazing kids…” including the kiddos who belong to the handprints on the cards.  

If you love all things retro – or any unusual thing retro – you may thank me for the hip-tip of Hip Haven.  Based in Austin, Texas, and run by a redhead with fantastic taste in purchasing, you’ll find a lot of unexpected and absolutely delightful retro-style and truly retro objects, including one of my favorite finds so far (I’m not going to tell you my top favorite, because I want to buy it myself) — a series of boldly pronounced, bullet-shaped planters (like the one on the main page of her site, pictured here).  I can count 16 people on one hand who would love to unwrap these clever items this year.  I hope they come with a box….
And here’s another vintage treat, while you’re shopping.  I had to save the absolutely best, most-fun-ever-shopping website for last. It’s Kitts Couture vintage clothing out of one of the most beautiful places on earth, Cornwall, England. 
I am biased, I admit it. I visited the shop in Penzance last year and couldn’t help but drop a few hundred pounds there.  Unfortunately, even that didn’t get me into the size 6 vintage dress that was said to be hand-made by a famous designer whose name I’ve blocked from memory for sewing something so damnably small.  Size 6 in the UK in the 1960s is NOT the size 6 you find today in the U.S., ladies, so be forewarned.  
All that aside, this website is simply fantastic.  It’s well-done — entertaining from front to back, and you can buy things to boot!  What’s not to love about that?
Anyway, Happy Cyber Monday everyone, and safe shopping.  And if you wind up buying anything from the vintage gals, tell ’em Charlie sent you.  

Feast Your Eyes on This Thanksgiving Dish: Veg-All Casserole

In this country, tradition is king on Thanksgiving Day, but in my house, I’m plotting a coup, with a flabergastingly yummy new dish featuring a canned staple that I have only recently encountered.  Turkey eaters of America, say hello to my little vegetable friend:  veg-all. 

Life is full of wonderful surprises, especially for this Thanksgiving traditionalist.  As long as I’ve been cooking my own turkey, I’ve dutifully delivered our family’s tried-and-true crowd pleasers to the table — dishes that might sound familiar:  Roast turkey and stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, piping hot white-bread rolls, green bean casserole, candied yams, and cranberry jelly (whose mold bears an uncanny resemblance to, well, a can).  

In my family, there has always been, and will always be, a crystal bowl filled with large, pitted black olives, which has to be replenished at least once before dinner is served.  The instructions for eating said olives are as follows:  Locate olive bowl on table. Loiter aimlessly within arm’s reach of said bowl.  When no one is looking, swipe a handful of olives.  Stick index finger inside hole of first olive.  Wiggle finger.  Repeat with other fingers until you run out of olives or fingers.  Wiggle fingers.  Eat olives. Repeat.    

Like many of you, the recipes I’ll use this year have been passed down through the generations of my family with little or no alteration. This year, though, I’ll be adding the veg-all dish that’s new to me, but is a Standard-Bearer for my husband’s Kentucky family around holidays.  For those of you with the good taste and courage to join my coup, here’s how it goes:
Nevalyn’s Flabergastingly Yummy Veg-All Casserole
Casserole:
2 cans veg-all
1 finely chopped medium-sized onion
1 or 2 chopped celery sticks
1/2 cup of mayonayse
1 can of water chestnuts, drained and chopped
Topping:
1 stick of butter, melted
1 sleeve of Ritz crackers, crushed
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Mix together all the casserole ingredients, and pour into an oven-worthy pan.  In a separate bowl, mix together the melted butter and crushed crackers.  Sprinkle the cracker mixture over the top of the casserole.  Bake 35 minutes total:  Covered for the first 25 minutes; uncover for the last 10 minutes.
Marvel.  Serve.  Enjoy.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Is you is, or is you ain’t a journalist?

Writers of the world! Take a look at the second sentence of the last paragraph of the article excerpted below and tell me what’s wrong with it. Then tell me how:

1. the Los Angeles Times could justify hiring a sub-literate celebrity commentator who doesn’t know how to conjugate verbs.
2. such an appalling misuse of the English language could waltz across the Los Angeles Times copy desk, unnoticed, and land on the pages of a newspaper that’s read by roughly one million people each day.

I used to scoff when my father complained about the “dumbing down of America.” I believed the world was full of talented writers and journalists who passed third-grade grammar class. Now, I’m not so sure. Maybe they’re a dying breed after all.

Hollywood rethinks chick flicks

By Rachel Abramowitz
Los Angeles Times Staff Writer

June 11, 2008

What you see on the screen, big or little, is only part of the story. Rachel Abramowitz’s new column, Hollywood Brief, gives the town’s culture, personalities and power players the close-up they deserve — but may not always want.

ARE YOU ready for “Desperate Housewives, the Movie”? “Grey’s Anatomy: Bigger, Sappier” and filled with an array of new luscious boy toys ( Brad Pitt as Dr. McCreamy)? How about “Sex and the City: Cougars Live” edition? Personally I’d see “America’s Next Top Model” the cinematic version, as long as Tyra brings her riding crop and commands the wannabe models to look fierce as they bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower in thongs and tiaras.

I’m being facetious, but I bet ya some genius out in Burbank is dreaming up ideas just like this. That’s because I and half of Hollywood is trying to parse the lessons of the resounding success (unexpected to some) of the “Sex and the City” movie, the event film for women.